Dear reader, I am pleased to report to you that last night, our first Psychology Research Night of the semester, was a resounding success. The ravenous Psychology 101 students have been appeased. Armed with their newly-won Psychology Participation Credits, they are now substantially closer to meeting the requirements for passing their classes. Apparently we also provided data to some researchers. At least that’s what it looked like was happening. I could be wrong.

I myself was involved in three psychology studies last night, all of which I was excited to tell you about. However, before I even set fingers to keyboard a pair of very intimidating women approached me. They were dressed in jet black labcoats, safety sunglasses, and carried strange metal devices that I could not identify. As it turns out, they were there to inform me that I was not allowed to disclose the methods or goals of the studies. Because the studies were still being conducted, speaking about them so openly could compromise their results. The women then handed me a censored copy of my own thoughts and vanished.

In light of this experience, I present to you the Research Night Report: Censored Edition.

Study 1: [———————————————]

I was brought into a room containing [—-] and [—–]. [———] I noticed that [——-] fortunately, it was not a horrifying monster, but rather [———] A chill went up my spine. [——–] The study ended slightly ahead of schedule.

Study 2: [————————-]

[————————————–] Surely they could have afforded [———] Suddenly I understood that [———] I was growing tired. [———–] a blazing light from [—————–] I put the pen down once more [—————————-] enough for everyone [—————————] I said my thanks and exited the room, tucking my prize into my vest.

Study 3: [———————-]

[——–] Only five of us were allowed to enter. [———————–] which is, incidentally, closely related to the flow of blood through the human body. [———-] My skills in that area were rusted, as I hadn’t [————————-] the restraint was removed, replaced by no restraint at all [——————————–] I was held up briefly while exiting, but then the researchers noticed [——————] and were appeased.

I am pleased to report that I survived Research Night. I am even more pleased to report that everyone else did as well. The experiments were designed to be safe for the participants and researchers, so I would be rather shocked if that were not the case. Preparations have already begun for the next Research Night next Monday, where I am sure that our Psychology researchers will continue to be humane and ethical.

Please direct any allegations that my uncensored draft might have been overdramatic to the Department of [————————–].

As you may have heard, the University has a big shiny beefed up Athletics and Aquatics center, unveiled in all it’s renovated glory just this year. Whether it’s truly an improvement, I cannot say, as I never had the opportunity to see what stood there before.

That’s not to say that I would be the best witness anyway. It took me two entire weeks after school started before I actually checked the place out. I would blame the fact that it’s at the opposite end of the campus from where I live, but that would imply that I’m too lazy to walk for five minutes before working out. Actually I only showed up in the gym today because I was already in the building for something else, so maybe I really am that lazy.

In my defense, I feel profoundly out of place in a gym. My athletics background is mainly distance running, a pursuit that takes me to a great and wonderful range of places that look nothing like gyms. The one here is nice and open, but it’s very grey. Worse, the dizzying array of machines is readily intimidating. I had no idea where to begin.

After about twenty minutes of playing smartphone games while doing a StairMaster workout, I decided that maybe I should make a serious attempt at figuring out what some of the other machines did. So I walked up to this contraption that claimed to be a “Hammer Strength Bicep Curl” machine, and decided to give it a go. So I slipped my arms where I thought they were supposed to go and calmly looked stupid. After a couple minutes of failing to figure out the proper operation, I moved on.

Fortunately, it turned out that the other machines were a bit more intuitive. Granted, I would rather pretend that some of the higher weight settings were designed for the edge case of a figure from one of the old pantheons descending from Olympus or Norway or wherever to test them out than admit that I’m not actually all that strong, but I was still able to exercise parts of my body without too much trouble. I even figured out the bicep curl machine eventually. I’m not sure that what I ended up doing was a truly effective workout, but I did manage to walk away feeling kind of satisfied.

I’ll admit that’s hardly the most positive spin I could give the experience, but I do think I’m going to give it another try. If you’re a student reading this and you haven’t, I’d suggest testing it for yourself.