Dear reader, I am pleased to report to you that last night, our first Psychology Research Night of the semester, was a resounding success. The ravenous Psychology 101 students have been appeased. Armed with their newly-won Psychology Participation Credits, they are now substantially closer to meeting the requirements for passing their classes. Apparently we also provided data to some researchers. At least that’s what it looked like was happening. I could be wrong.
I myself was involved in three psychology studies last night, all of which I was excited to tell you about. However, before I even set fingers to keyboard a pair of very intimidating women approached me. They were dressed in jet black labcoats, safety sunglasses, and carried strange metal devices that I could not identify. As it turns out, they were there to inform me that I was not allowed to disclose the methods or goals of the studies. Because the studies were still being conducted, speaking about them so openly could compromise their results. The women then handed me a censored copy of my own thoughts and vanished.
In light of this experience, I present to you the Research Night Report: Censored Edition.
Study 1: [———————————————]
I was brought into a room containing [—-] and [—–]. [———] I noticed that [——-] fortunately, it was not a horrifying monster, but rather [———] A chill went up my spine. [——–] The study ended slightly ahead of schedule.
Study 2: [————————-]
[————————————–] Surely they could have afforded [———] Suddenly I understood that [———] I was growing tired. [———–] a blazing light from [—————–] I put the pen down once more [—————————-] enough for everyone [—————————] I said my thanks and exited the room, tucking my prize into my vest.
Study 3: [———————-]
[——–] Only five of us were allowed to enter. [———————–] which is, incidentally, closely related to the flow of blood through the human body. [———-] My skills in that area were rusted, as I hadn’t [————————-] the restraint was removed, replaced by no restraint at all [——————————–] I was held up briefly while exiting, but then the researchers noticed [——————] and were appeased.
I am pleased to report that I survived Research Night. I am even more pleased to report that everyone else did as well. The experiments were designed to be safe for the participants and researchers, so I would be rather shocked if that were not the case. Preparations have already begun for the next Research Night next Monday, where I am sure that our Psychology researchers will continue to be humane and ethical.
Please direct any allegations that my uncensored draft might have been overdramatic to the Department of [————————–].