By Jenni Chadick, assistant director of residence life

Let’s face it, living with other people is HARD. Doesn’t matter if you love who you live with, sometimes those dirty crumpled up socks all over the floor just seem to scream at you “I totally don’t respect your space or you!”

Sookie left her socks out, again.

Of course, maybe they just forgot to put the socks in the hamper, but still… don’t they KNOW how much that bothers you?! And this person you live with maybe someone you love. Maybe it’s someone you choose to live with. Maybe it’s a sibling or parent in which you had no choice, but share many things in common. Maybe they know all your pet peeves, or if you are a morning person or not. Moving in with a total stranger, that’s a whole different level of hard.

If you are moving into campus residences this fall, congratulations! We are excited to meet you and welcome you to campus!  Housing assignment letters were mailed this week, and as you receive the contact information of your future roommate, you may experience a wave of emotions.  Moving into a 250 square foot living space with a total stranger may sound exciting. It may sound terrifying. And it will probably be both at some point! Sharing tight living quarters with anyone is an art, there is no magic science to becoming the perfect pair. It takes work, and lot of courage, to be honest with yourself about what you need versus what you want. Here are a few tips we’ve learned over the years to helping smooth the process.

There’s No Such Thing as a Perfect Roommate

Yeah, you might think you are awesome but not everyone will always appreciate your awesomeness.

There are many people you can be compatible with for different reasons. A roommate who maybe shares your interests and sleeping habits may have completely different standards on cleanliness and sharing personal items. Someone you meet who might become your best friend maybe the worst person for you to live with (talk to any upper class student and they can tell you from experience). It might seem like people on your floor or in your hall are “clicking” with their roommate before you do, and maybe they are maybe they aren’t, but the first few weeks are a “honeymoon” period where many students ignore the niggling signs of discomfort in their budding roommate relationship. It helps to know that everyone needs to adjust to their new environment, and we all do that in different ways. You might find that you’d rather connect with classmates other than your roommate, and that’s okay. Your roommate might feel the exact opposite, and that’s okay too. What’s important is that you talk about your feelings from the get go.

Talk it Out!

Really talk. Face to face. IRL.  Not texting, email, facebook, or snapchat. There are certain non-verbal cues you pick up on face to face, and especially as you are getting to know each other as roommates, these face-to-face conversations are essential to getting to know your roommate. Now, it may not be realistic to expect that you will each know exactly what you want out of your roommate relationship from day one and come ready with exact parameters of what you will share, who will clean what, etc. (That’s great if you do!) Those opinions might take time to form as you get to know each other and yourself and realize what you are and are not comfortable with. The best way to prep for those hard conversations is have some easier ones first. Practice with some basics like how you want the room set up. Maybe set up time to go to dinner together just once to learn where each other came from. Discuss your orientation schedule, and if you want to meet up at some point during the week. What’s most important here is not to make assumptions. You and your roommate may have different ideas of what is “expected” and unless you talk it out you’ll never know really what the other person is thinking or feeling, and why the feel that way.

Alternatively, hugging it out is always an option

Establish Needs, Not Positions

Speaking of feelings, there will come a point of frustration in the year. The window is open and it’s freezing in the room. The music is too loud. You don’t feel comfortable bringing friends to your room. When these things happen, the first thing to do is recognize your feelings. What is it that you feel? Frustration? Anger? Sadness? And from these feelings what is that telling you that you need to be safe and reasonably comfortable in your living situation? Needs are broad, and can be applied in many contexts. An important distinction from a position which is narrow and usually apply to the specific matter at hand. For example – you might need the room to be a comfortable temperature to sleep. Your position might be that the window must be shut to get to that temperature. Positions appear immovable, and are often proposed as the only solution to a problem. Positions breed hostility and usually do not get either party what they really need. When you establish your needs – in this case a comfortable temperature – you can explore other options such as when the window should be open or shut and how much, using a personal fan, adding/removing more bed covers, etc. When you discuss needs not positions you are more likely to get to compromise.

Vent Up, Not Out

Leave the drama for your mama

Sure, sometimes you will want to vent about your experience and process your feelings. But venting to the whole floor, or everyone but your roommate, helps NO ONE. Know who you can confidentially vent to. Maybe it’s someone back home. A parent, a classmate, a partner. Maybe it’s your RA or RCC. Maybe it’s one person you have really connected with on campus. What’s important here is not to be careful what you share and who you share it with. Be clear when you are “just venting” to get something off your chest, and when you are actively seeking advice on how to handle a situation. Roommate drama can quickly become floor drama which can sometimes circle back to your roommate and make things worse for everyone involved. Follow Tim Gunn’s advice, and just don’t do that.

Moving Doesn’t Always Fix the Problem

Lastly, many students jump immediately to a move. It’s easy to see that as a solution, especially the beginning of the year. But the reality is moving often results in a new, different, issue emerging with a new roommate. You may not know the back story behind why a room was vacated (i.e. what roommate issue was going on to have that person move out). You may realize that while a new roommate is much easier to get along with they are far more messy and loud (or quiet and too clean). And sometimes, you realize that you actually have some personal things to work through that carry over from your first situation. Moving is hard. It’s no fun packing up all your belongings and adjusting to a new environment. People’s habits may have formed on a floor that you may or may not jive with. And there often aren’t many alternative spaces to move to. Moving can be an option in those rare cases where it is in the best interest of everyone involved, and the first step is to talk to your RA/RCC about the challenges you are having. So if you ever do think that is a route you are thinking about, talk to your RA/RCC as soon as you can. The process can take a couple weeks, so it’s important not to wait to the moment you just can’t take it anymore.

Living with another person is a challenge, but it’s one that you’ll probably be navigating for many years to come (college and beyond!). It can also be a very fun and rewarding part of your college experience if you take the time to think about what you think you’ll need to live, study, and succeed at Puget Sound.

Don’t worry, you got this! Living with a roommate has it’s challenges, but can also be one of the best experiences you’ll have at Puget Sound.

Looking for more suggestions? Check out our “2014 Roommate Booklet” for more tips and suggestions to set up for a successful roommate experience. 

By Jenni Chadick, assistant director of residence life

Recently, there have been some articles on the web (here and here are two examples) residence life world that have highlighted how the shine and sparkle of newer suite-style halls are deadly to positive student outcomes during first year. Turns out, traditional “dorms” (i.e. corridor style with gang bathrooms) are really good at promoting student success. This runs counter to what many students say they want – a perpetual issue in higher education. See, the thing is, institutions often want to respond to what students say they want in order to attract students to a campus – better food or amenities, better facilities (i.e. an amazing gym or state of the art pool), programming that focuses on free food and socializing instead of learning, or even freedom from rules (i.e. the “quiet hours are unnecessary, and no one actually cares” phenomenon. I can tell you, students do care, they are just afraid to speak up). Yet in so many cases, what students say they want  isn’t necessarily what they need, or even say they wish they had by the time they graduate. I’ve even seen this as we plan and promote our sophomore engagement initiatives – seniors who say “I wish the administration had made sure I had known about X or how to do Y” but current sophomores reporting that they aren’t interested in knowing about X or how to do Y. That’s a whole other blog post though!

This is what summer in student affairs looks like – bridging the gap between student expectations and student outcomes. We as higher education professionals know a few things to be true about students in the aggregate – students that are engaged are more likely to persist and graduate (i.e. continue all four years and obtain a degree); that most students will struggle to live with a roommate but the students who by chance end up without a roommate at move in are the most distressed; that many students will struggle to have conversations about diversity and difference yet every year’s entering class is more diverse than the last (at least at Puget Sound); and that with college costs skyrocketing it is imperative that everyone on our campus continue to assess and evaluate everything we do to ensure at our core we are promoting student success and learning despite what students might say they want. Responding to the landscape of higher education is challenging in its own right, but it’s near impossible in the day-to-day minutia of the academic calendar year.

That’s what makes summer my special-favorite-time. It’s a time for research and reflection, to re-center both professionally and personally, and put things back in perspective. It allows for time to read the articles about how traditional residence halls actually have something very special going for them – and having the time to write a blog post to tell you all about it! Because hopefully one of you reading this out there is an incoming new student, and while you’ve already made the good choice to attend Puget Sound this fall, maybe you are wondering what the heck your new home will look and feel like. I can tell you we have nothing like this or this or this on our campus (and neither do most campuses really, as these are mostly off-campus housing options). But that is okay. In fact, it’s more than okay. The floor to ceiling windows are very pretty, it’s true. And some may argue that rooftop pool and tanning salon on site is essential to balance and well being. But our campus would argue that relaxing on the quad with a Frisbee is a perfect way to blow off steam after class, as well as form the connections with peers that really enhance the college experience.

Yes, there will be times you wish you had a private bathroom. Yes, there will be times when you wish you had your own room. There will definitely be times your roommate/hallmate/suitemate is playing music too loud or watching that show you hate, or just generally being a human being and that somehow will irritate the living daylights out of you. But that is essential to your growth and learning. And beyond being a very important part of your interpersonal development, believe it or not, you will miss that closeness at some point. The ability to have someone (maybe your roommate, maybe next door) to vent to after a tough class, or who exposes you to a whole different genre of literature/music/movies that you never would have though you’d be interested in, or who will provide endless entertainment in your adult life with stories of “remember that one time so-and-so did such-and-such.” These kind of experiences are almost guaranteed to happen in those traditional residence halls, which is why we call them res halls and not dorms. They are more than just a place to sleep. Res halls are vibrant communities where all those practical things you will learn in the classroom abruptly clash with real life. Where expectations and outcomes meet. And just like summer in res life, being a resident in res life is a great time for reflection and action. So get ready for an awesome adventure!